Now before i say anything, i don't know how many people actually look at this thing or if it's only for my own venting enjoyment, but if you do happen to read this, there may or may not be some pretty personal stuff that you may or may not have experienced with me or otherwise.
For starters, i'm all alone this weekend. My parents decided to go up to Ottawa for some sort of conference. Yipee for them. While they're enjoying themselves: staying at the Marriot, right across from the parliment buildings, and looking at museums and art galleries and such, I am stuck at home, feeding the dog and sheep and cats, and painting. The garage, and arbour, and the house are all a lightish blue. I tried to convince my mom to let me paint something black besides the garage doors and myself, but she wouldn't let me. bah. One of these days..... Ok, so anyways, i was sitting at the piano just playing a tune, and i realized just how pathetic my life is, and will probably always be.
Ok, ok, i know i've said this before. But really i am. My parents are gone for one weekend, and i feel alone, even while my sister was still here. i mean, i've never really been the type to thrive on people and always need to have some sort of interaction. I'm just not that person. Little do people know, but i really need my space. The problem with me is that either i don't assert myself enough to tell people this, or its hereditary. I know it sounds weird, but its something that i have in common with several of my cousins from my moms side of the family. We are all able to hide, very well in fact, how we are truly feeling. And, at the risk of sounding like spiderman, this is our blessing, and our curse. i mean you may think its nice, but this gives us the tendency to not really be able to define our emotions as easily, and also not to truly trust people with said emotions. yes, i know there are people out there who i have spilled a few tears to, but rarely will i tell them everything that is going on.
i'm a lonely person, and i keep my emotions inside. But i also know that if i have someone who is constantly there and asking how i am, i would go crazy. I feel like i want to be a character in a book. And i read a lot of books. sometimes, i'm not going to lie, i want to be in that world, cuz reality can really suck, if you know what i mean. I know that i need to face reality, but who doesn't wish for the type of life that people have in books or movies. Sometimes i want to be that person who spontaneously flies halfway around the world. I want to be that person who gets lost and finds some sort of amazing adventure along the way.
But these things don't happen to people like me. I am the one who misses the exit but just takes the next one and turns around. I don't keep driving to see where the road would take me. I would love to go somewhere all by myself, to some far away country. And i know that by myself i would be able to let go and pull out all the stops and just live, but i also know that i need someone to share it with. I've been put down too many times by my "friends" with the line "Oh no, now she'll be talking about it for the next month." For example. I went to Ecuador a few years ago, while i was still in highschool. Most people that i knew had not been anywhere below florida or the Dominican Republic. But when i came back they were all just like, great, you went somewhere that we haven't, so what. Well i'll tell you what. I wanted to be able to tell people about all the sights, the smells, the sounds. I can still remember feeling the wind that was always blowing on my face, and whenever i smell diesel fuel, i can remember walking through the market. And i can still clearly see the mountains, and the faces of the people who walked for 3 days just to see a doctor. But even if i had gone to England, i would still want to tell them. Even now i wish i could know what it smells like in Ireland. What it looks like in Scotland to see it with my own eyes. What it sounds like to stand on the cliffs in Cornwall or Wales. Or what the wind feels like in Denmark.
Maybe i'm lonely because i haven't found that kindred spirit, if you will. Don't take me wrong, i have lots of friends i think, and i cherish them all, especially the close ones. But i want to know that its like the find that person who can feel the wind on their face and tell you the same things that you were just feeling because of that wind, and not that its ruining their hair, or they have dust in their eyes now.
Right now i am in a small world built of family, church, and friends. No, this is not necessarily a bad thing, but i want to expand that world. I want to make a path of my own, one that is not already laid out for my by church and family. But i don't want to lose what i have, because then i am afraid that i might be truly lost, and alone.
More on this later.....
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